I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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