did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
