That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
