I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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