My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Welp...herpes.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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