At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
