roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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