is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
