he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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