I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
