Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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