eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
