My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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