remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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