my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
