I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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