she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
