3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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