i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
