We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
