So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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