You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
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