Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
