marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
