Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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