Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
