I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
