i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
