I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
