It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i think i scared a bird with my dick
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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