So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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