He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
