mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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