I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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