you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
