Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize