I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
