I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
