Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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