some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
