If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize