Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i drank out of a bidet.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
