the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
