Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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