I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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