You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
