and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
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