I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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