Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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