I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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