I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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