Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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