I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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