i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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