when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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