So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
