I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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