I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
