So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
