puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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