I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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