omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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