Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
