so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
