i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
