I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I met the friendliest cop last night
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
