After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
